Inside the walls of the Campbell residence, an uprising was about to take foot. You see, the cockroaches of the residence, tired of living in fear of the new outsiders that possessed their territory, had taken up arms.
“Today is a day that will live in infamy,” claimed Gary, the de facto leader and Grand Wizard, if you will, of the cockroaches. Gary was a little bit bigger than the rest of the cockroaches, a lot more pompous, and in general a blowhard that had a loose grip on facts. Gary stood up above his population on a fallen brick.
“We will not go gentle into that good night. These people think that they can just barge on to this land that we won with blood, sweat, and tears. We drove out the last invaders and the invaders before that. No, those people were not native-like they claimed. We are the true natives!” Gary continued his grand oratory to the applause of the rest of the colony.
The rest of the colony stood below him holding toothpick torches. They applauded, whooped, and hollered at all appropriate points. Gary soaked in the adoration.
“My fellow cockroaches. We have had to hide for too long. Too long. There is no reason for us to hide in these walls on this hard floor. There is a perfectly good sofa out there that we can go and be comfortable in. And the food in here sucks. Doesn’t it suck? It sucks. It really sucks! We should be able to go into the cabinets and cupboards at will. They are ours after all, right?!”
“We have lived in the shadows for too long. We are a great civilization. The best that there ever has been. Let me tell you. Let. Me. Tell. You. The best!”
The crowd erupted at this. They all knew they were the best and they were tired of living in the shadows. Now this great cockroach who had risen up from nothing, as he put it, was their leader and going to take them into the light where they belonged and where they would stay.
“In a few short minutes we are going to swarm out of these walls and into the home and we are going to take it back. We’re going to make that home great. We’re going to rule the land in our image!”
More applause and cheering.
“We’ve been held in contempt by humans who think they’re smarter than us. They’re not. They are liars. They tell others all day every day how evil we are. How we are disgusting creatures. We are not creatures. We are human too.”
Cockroaches gave quick looks around in confusion at one another, but then cheered anyway because that is what they were supposed to do.
“Our time has come! We take back what is ours right now!”
More cheering as Gary scurried off the brick and into the mass of other cockroaches. His second in command handed him his own toothpick torch and began to immediately pray to God.
Gary led his people toward a crack in the wall. They would flood out in the thousands and take back what was theirs. He was sure it was going to happen like that.
As they neared the wall a nozzle was shoved into the crack. Gary kept marching toward it. The humans’ attempt at stopping this was futile.
A purple gas escaped the nozzle and the cockroaches behind Gary began to breathe it in; they quickly flipped over onto their backs, dead. Gary screamed and ran forward toward the nozzle in a fury. He eventually couldn’t hold out and breathed in the sweet purple gas. Gary departed this world in a rage.
The gas continued for a few more seconds and then the nozzle was replaced with a lipstick camera. It swept the area and then pulled back out of the wall.
On the other side of the wall stood a handsome man, about six-feet tall. He was an exterminator. “Looks like I got all of them. It’s weird that they were all bunched together like that, with a load of toothpicks around them.”
“Toothpicks?! That is weird,” Mary Beth said. “How many do you think were in there?”
The exterminator shrugged. “I’d have to guess, but I would say about 3,000. I know you claimed it was the largest group of cockroaches that ever existed, but that’s just fake news.”